“Dear Bobby,”: A Children’s Wish Rejection

Dear Bobby,

First of all, thank you for your letter and for your interest in our organization. The time and effort you put into your request is appreciated. The Children’s Make a Wish Foundation is committed to making kids’ wishes come true!

Occasionally, wishes cannot be granted for a wide variety of reasons ranging from financial limitations to local weather patterns.  Others, like your wish, cannot be granted because they are inferior wishes. No need to fret though, here at our sister organization; the Children’s Make a Decent Wish Foundation, we’re dedicated to helping children around the world (like you!) formulate wishes that don’t suck.

You’re not alone! You wouldn’t believe the things that some kids ask for. One spunky, green-eyed young man from Tennessee wished he could eat McRib sandwiches at every meal, every day. I know, right? First of all, even if we could get around the inscrutable availability schedule, talk about aiming low!

Another young lady from Pennsylvania with bright orange hair and a cleft lip wanted us, on the grounds that they were insufferable, to get rid of her parents. Now, all parents are insufferable, especially the ones pushing strollers in public places, but come on! We just don’t do that. Much as we’d like to.

With regard to you wish. You allege that the number 9 is being discriminated against, insulted and otherwise bullied by the other numbers. Your wish is that integers 1 through 8 inclusively, cease and desist any and all actions that hurt or defame the number 9.

Bobby, I want you to know that I am moved by the thoughtful sentiment and I know that it is coming from a special and caring place in your heart when I say that this is pure, batshit nonsense. Numbers are not sentient. They do not have personalities or nervous systems or egos or bank accounts. They are not forced to compete in schoolyard popularity contests or watch Disney’s Frozen. We here at the Children’s Make a Decent Wish Foundation have about as much influence on the feelings of numerals as we do on the dietary preferences of uranium. Which is to say, none.

Exactly what is required by or absent in wishes that are decent is notoriously difficult to define, but allow me to refer you to a brief Q&A from our FAQ in the hope that it will provide some guidance.

Q: What constitutes a “decent” wish?

A: A wish that is fanciful, but assuming a reasonable real-world intervention, possible.

Q: What constitutes a wish that is not “decent”?

A: A wish that is fanciful, but otherwise idiotic, absurd and in all ways impossible to achieve or simulate and a waste of everyone’s time.

We don’t want to make the wish for you. That’s for you to do and moreover, it should be fun! Ever thought of taking a Porsche for a spin? Bungee jumping in New Zealand? Meeting Jim Carrey?

We encourage you to try again. Submit as many wishes as you would like (one per letter please. 80 words max.). Nothing makes our days here at the Children’s Make a Decent Wish Foundation more rewarding than helping children like you develop great wishes.

Chin up and get wishing! Just steer clear of things like eating sound waves, becoming a telephone or visiting the sun and you should be fine.

Yours faithfully,

Trevor Lancet

Project Coordinator

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Lorne Written by:

Born a giant, hairless aphid to Polish and Romanian parents of the Semitic variety; tailors and teachers both stricken with mental disorders they would wait half a century to name, I spent the first ten years of my life thinking “Ech! It’s leaking again!” was my given name. In my late teens, a chance meeting with an uncle would have me wear the chador, thinking I was a stunningly beautiful Muslim girl, well into my twenties.

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